Team Heartbreak HQ

Alright look guys, straight off the bat I’m sceptical. You’ve got to admit you’ve got a pretty hard sell ahead of you.

So maybe when you are picking which two of you are going to hand out the leaflets at Union Square this morning, are you sure a tall athletic blonde dude and an asian girl are the best choice?

I don’t know, maybe I’m wrong guys but I would think, if you’re looking to convince Jews to do stuff for Jesus, picking the aryan-looking motherfucker and the bashful japanese girl is pretty much the worst choice.

What?

Errr….

*cough*

Christian!

I mean it already sounds like you are taking the piss but that’s just going to make people think you’re being a dick about it.

Try changing the name to Jesus for Jews. Kicking it old school. You’re welcome.

I’m the elevator, this bloke gets in from the hedge fund wankers’ floor.

bloke : “Have you been outside yet?”

me: “what”

bloke: “I was wondering what it was like outside”

me: “its pretty warm?”

bloke: “You have no idea whats going on outside being in this building.  I mean this lift is ice cold, its basically winter in here. my nipples are totally hard.”

me:

me:

me: “what”

bloke: “my nipples are hard!”

me: “FUCK THIS FUCKING ELEVATOR AND FUCK YOU”

*ding*

Tora’s Kite, originally uploaded by stiggasaurus.

Mary Jordan & Her Scooter, originally uploaded by stiggasaurus.

Another cigarette break romantic encounter. 

Oh corner of 57th and Madison how can I count the ways?  As well as providing me with opportunities to bump into my elevator crush karen, standing on the corner outside my building has provided me with a variety of romantic encounters.  For example, I previously wrote about my seeing the most stylish girl ever while on that corner and soon after dating her shoes.  The hottest shoes in New York.  Probably the healthiest relationship Ive had in recent times.

So Im working late (its 8pm) and just went down for a smokey smoke.  As Im standing there this crazy hot blonde girl walks up madison, attracting my attention.   She was with another blonde girl who was probably crazy hot but I only had eyes for Mellisa.

That’s right.  Yep.  I busted out my flirty eyes, she caught them… I smiled (if you dont smile you are just a) a pussy b) a perv).  She smiled back.

She slowed and turned towards me, still smiling… I unlocked my game and prepared to deliver my game, my game was on point, I was confident, Stiggers steps up.

Oh shit, I don’t have to do anything, my eyes had so much game, I didn’t need to bust any verbal game.  Nice one eyes!  Damn, this girl was fine, though I must say a little slutty.  Hold on what? Stiggers going for the slutty blonde type? SURELY NOT.

She was pulling out her business card. She gave it to me and whispered

“Call me if you’re interested”

She hit me with her eye game once more, before she spun around and carried on up Madison avenue.

Once again, New York was giving me medicine, she never lets me down.  I take a look at the card, wondering what this slutty angel did for a living.

Professional Massage

Mellisa

Your Pleasure

484 - 555- 1034

No Restricted Calls

How crazy is that? Not only is she gorgeous but she has an interesting job too! Who doesn’t like a massage? Apart from lepers and people with brittle bone disease? No one thats who. In many ways its probably the career Jesus would have if he was around now (not so many carpenters around you see).

And SO POLITE too! Indeed it IS my pleasure meeting you Mellisa, how charming.  So selfless! Only thinking of others!

I’ve mentioned this before a few times. I got an amazingly cool birthday present from my friends.  They made me tremendously funny film, Drunk History - The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere.  If you haven’t watched it, then watch it forthwith.  Its in two parts.

Part One : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7X-CtA_faY0

Part Two : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3XSaEqxXp4

 Pretty amazing eh?

So as a little thank you, I set out making a couple of films of my own. There are three and they are all really short.  Look mother, I learnt how to use Adobe Premiere Pro, am I not clever?

1. My Little Pony - I actually formed quite a bond with the real star of the film, Paul Revere’s horse. He was a faithful steed who quickly became my best friend…

2. Inside The Actor’s Studio - My friends who made the film, got in contact with one of my other best friends - actor, MC, writer, comedian, film-maker, educator MC Aaron. This was a really cool surprise because Aaron had only met any of them once beforehand…

3. Hungover History - Now this one is just silly

Thank you to MC Aaron for helping with the first two films and to BA for lending me her camera.

fin

I used the word game 12 times in my previous blog, I tried to use it more but I think I pushed the limit. It is an awesome word that English people do not have. 

Does that mean I had no game before I came to America? Do so few Englishmen have game that they thought it wasn’t worth having a single word for? Is an Englishman’s game having no game?

I find this hole in the english vernacular very amusing. 

German people don’t have a word for clitoris you know. True story.

Americans don’t have a word for irony.